Busy being a mother and a wife and taking on the biggest challenge yet, a permanent move across the world. Read here my random thoughts, feelings and stories about my life that is about to be turned upside down (literally).



Thursday, May 5, 2011

It doesn't take long to fall in love.



The past few weeks have been filled with the most life altering news, all that we had been wishing for was finally happening, my Australian Immigration was approved followed the next day by the sale of our house.
The most unexpected joy came as a bit of surprise, a positive pregnancy test. How quickly it all seemed to fall into place, we had been trying for a 3rd baby for over a year. To finally get pregnant just as we are preparing to move to Australia confirmed my lifelong belief that everything happens for a reason, it all works out in the end.
But not this time.
I had 4 whole days to feel the joy of an expanding family, I eagerly downloaded the baby center app on my phone, I checked the due date, December 25th, the best gift I could imagine, I consulted the Chinese gender predictors, a girl, I shared the news with my family, all were overjoyed. I told my sister that her new baby girl due in July would soon have a playmate. For 4 days I envisioned the gentle moments I would catch my boys in with their new sibling and I imagined the comfort of having a baby in my arms again.
4 days was all I got, because at exactly 5 weeks pregnant I miscarried. It was so early, and according to my app the baby was the size of a sesame seed, but those 4 days felt like a lifetime, I envisioned this baby born, nurtured, loved and become part of my family.
I've read so many stories on miscarriage, always trying my best to empathize with those sharing their story, never could I imagine the pain it would bring, true gut wrenching sadness. I find myself struggling to justify feeling so overwhelmingly distraught because it was so early. There are so many others who have had weeks, and months of bonding with their baby only to tragically lose them.
Mine didn't even have a heart beat yet, but it had already filled my heart.

14 comments:

  1. Oh Honey, Im SO sorry! Feel any way you need to feel. A loss is a loss is a loss is a loss, it doesn't matter how or when. My heart is with you. -KarmicEvolution

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  2. I am so glad you wrote this. You have written so poignantly about how painful the experience has been. It will happen but right now you have every right to feel sad. Big hugs to beautiful you. xx

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  3. I agree with Jodi. Make no excuses for the way you feel, and allow the grieving process to heal you. My sincerest condolences.

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  4. You need make no excuse for feeling your loss. And by sharing that you do, you validate such feelings for the rest of us who have been where you are. Things like this can help us hold tighter to what we treasure and gives us perspective on what is truly important. Best with the ongoing adventure with your move, am enjoying hearing about it as things progress. Thanks again for sharing,

    @Jule_E

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  5. So sorry for your loss.You can make a lifetime of plans in four days - I'm sure I would feel exactly the same way as you do.xx

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  6. I'm so sorry. I also know this feeling - so many women do - and you have described it beautifully. I hope that you will have another chance soon.

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  7. You are so strong - thank you for writing about this! I am so sorry for the pain that you have gone through.

    I've told you this before, but don't feel guilty for the pain you feel. The reality of the situation is: You have lost a child. You're allowed to grieve.

    We're grieving with you. Love you!

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  8. Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful words.
    I feel blessed to have such amazing support from my on-line friends xx

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  9. as i was reading this i was thinking, ooh, my birthday is Dec 20 … if it comes 5 days early … and then, gone. no reason, no one to blame, just an inexplicable loss and a whole new wave of emotions to process. so very sorry Tina. xt

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  10. I'm so sorry about your news. Lily and I both send our love.

    Andrea (mom of lily)

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  11. OMG! I am so sorry I missed this post until now...

    I am in awe of you that you are able to share this very intimate part of your life with everyone. You have such strength and I hope it helps with your healing from such difficulty.

    Much love and hugs...my heart still hurts for you everytime I think about it. xo

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  12. Oh Tina, I am so sorry to hear this (and to be a little late in the knowing, >_<) I can totally sympathsise: I have also known the life-crashing devistation of miscarriage (x3), the first being at 14 weeks into my first pregnancy. I would never wish such a thing on anyone. It is so crushing as, as you say, all your imagined futures with that tiny peanut are taken from you. Only time, a lot of tears, and the love of those around you can move you through this. Know that everything has a reason for happening and in many ways this was not the time. Not yet. I made a hard choice too before we moved to Canada (how odd how your life sequence mirrors mine), and decided to not expand our family a third time even when the opportunity came. My medical history and spirit knew it was not meant to be. These are the inner burdens and scars we choose to carry and have to learn to come to terms with. It is how we are brave in the face of adversity that defines us, more so ever than the easy successes. Sending you big, virtual hugs and strength as you move forwards on your adventure in the land of Oz :) ...your friend, B

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