A Decision To Make

One of the first orders of business when I move to Australia will be to find a job. We will need to become a two income family again in order to afford all the comforts we enjoy now. I'm okay with this, and am ready to get back into the full time workforce. I will miss being at home with the kids but I feel like I've given them a great start and we are all ready for this next phase of life.
I've been thinking a lot about what I might want in a job. I will be settling in Canberra which is the capital of Australia and there are plenty of government jobs. I've always been interested in getting into the administrative side of my career, and to be honest, working for the government will earn me more money than anywhere else.
My days as a Recreation Therapist for the elderly, or better known as a Diversional Therapist in Australia, were busy and exhausting. I was always on my feet, pushing wheelchairs, lugging supplies, setting up for activities and events. I was often emotionally drained after a day of comforting those who are grieving the loss of their independance and settling those with dementia during frightening and confusing episodes.

Maybe this time I might do something easier, I am not implying that public service jobs are any less work than other jobs but I could ease into one by starting in an entry level or temporary position. Answering phones, e-mails and doing some light administrative duties. I would sit at a desk all day, and quiet my brain a little bit. I would take uninterrupted coffee breaks with adults and engage in adult conversation. I'd enjoy the pleasure of trips to the toilet without two kids following me and wanting to sit on my lap. I might even be able to make a phone call in peace, perhaps send an email without a two year old banging on the key board. Oh the luxury.

But is that what I really want?

I love working with the elderly, especially those who suffer from Alzheimer's and Dementia, sure it can be a long and exhausting day, both emotionally and physically, but it is also very rewarding. I love seeing the smile on their faces when I pop in to their room for a visit. It is an accomplishment for me when they complete a craft, baking or gardening project with ease. I am so amazed by them when they easily rattle off difficult answers to the daily crossword puzzle. Then there is the joy of Bingo, their timid voices can get really loud in the excitement of calling out a win in Bingo. I suppose I'll get to enjoy some serenity by taking them for a walk around the garden, enjoying the fragrant blooms and reminiscing with them about their own gardens. There is always time for a coffee break, gathering around a table, enjoying a cup of coffee and sharing stories of our children and family life. I would also get the opportunity for some quiet time, like when I sit with them bedside, during their last hours, holding their hands and reflecting on the life of my own loved ones.

I learn so much about life from these wise men and women, perhaps skills that would benefit me more in the long run than learning how to navigate through a government database.

The Real Truth

This move to the other side of the world seems so close but is yet still so far away. I'm standing at the edge of the cliff, waiting for our house to sell and when I sign on the dotted line that is when I will jump in feet first (or fall off screaming). I am so afraid that the only thing that is holding me together right now is the fact that we do not have a specific move date yet. The move is real, it is in the works, my immigration application is in progress, our family and friends all know of our plans, we've informed the schools yet it still doesn't feel real. I put a smile on my face and tell my friends how excited I am, I cheerfully talk about it on Facebook and Twitter but to tell you the truth, I'm terrified. I am a creature of comfort, I love my little house, I love my routine and that I get to stay at home with my kids. I love that it is only my husband and I who look after our kids, and they don't go anywhere without us. I guess what I am most afraid of is giving up my control, control over my life that I have wrapped up nicely in a warm comfy blanket, safe from all of the world. My in-laws will be very involved in the kids life, the kids will be spending weekends with them, they will be driving them around town, Poppy will take them to see his horses (don't get me started on horses). I will have to learn how to drive on the wrong side of the road, and navigate my way through round-abouts and streets in a city 5 times the size I am used to. I will have to work, I haven't had a full time job in almost 5 years, I don't remember what its like to get dressed in real life clothes and get myself to work. How am I going to do that plus get 2 kids ready for school and day care, AND drive them there on the wrong side of the road. I worry about all the things that are going to be more expensive, houses, clothes, food. I worry about the flight over there, I am terrified of flying, and then there will be sharks and spiders and snakes and droughts and bush fires to deal with. Okay so I know I'm getting a little carried away but these fears are all real to me. All these fears and worries are lingering at the edge of my mind, waiting for the move date to be set so that they can drown me and I will not know how to surface.
I tend to underestimate myself , A LOT, and I hope this will become the case here as well because I have no idea how I am going to face the reality of all this when the time comes.

It's The Little Things.

It doesn't take much to make me happy. If you ask my husband he would call me Miss Cranky Pants, none the less I do tend to appreciate the small things. I don't need big happenings in my life, its the insignificant little wonders that make me smile.

Right now one of my favourite things is to use the Instagram app on my iphone to alter my photos, if you follow me on Twitter then I'm sure it's become quite obvious.

I have discovered that I automatically photograph the things that make me smile inside, the blips of my life that really brighten my day.

So I've decided to put together a little photo display of all things that make me smile.

1. My morning green smoothie, I have one every day and I love experimenting with all sorts of fruits and vegetables.

2. The view from my front window as the sun comes up in the morning glistening on the ice covered lake.

3. My beloved Frangipani plant, a gift from my mother and one that I cherish dearly, its bloom is slowly emerging and has only done so twice in the past 6 years.

4. My photo wall, a reminder of the love that fills my life and my favourite one with a butterfly settled on its corner is a photo of my Dad who I lost 2 years ago to cancer.

5. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, almost every night for 3 years we have read this book to our first born and now to both our boys, they recite it word for word and I will never tire of it.

6. Bath time, because my husband usually bathes the boys, giving me some time to clean up after dinner in peace and also because it means the end of Mommy duty is nearing and Me time is coming up.

7. Me Time, indulging in my favourite hobby, carefully choosing beads for hand made earrings, I love every pair I make and I wear them all the time.

8. A night cap, well okay, I don't indulge every night but on the weekends I love to sip a rye and ginger, it only takes one to make me giddy which is not so much a bad thing.

9. Oh and how could I forget these 2, their love for each other makes my heart fill to the brim and brings tears to my eyes.

What are the little things that you might capture in pictures without realizing they are all your favourite things?

A Gift

I have been given a gift, I've embraced this gift and it has opened my eyes. The gift of seeing my world in a whole new way. I have taken for granted the beauty that surrounds me, the seasons that carry me and the country that I love. Knowing that I will soon be saying goodbye to my life here in Canada, I have taken so much time and care to appreciate all of it. The birch trees that are scattered along the back field, how they glisten in the moon light. The loons I hear all summer on the lake as they sing to each other in the darkness. The rich beautiful tones in the trees as they turn colours in the fall, and the crunch of their leaves under my feet. The first snowfall which is the most beautiful one of all, light airy flakes that lightly fall and dust the ground. The hearty fire in our wood stove on cold cold days and sunny winter days that stream warm sunshine into my front window. The sleek frozen lake, spending hours on it skating, its wide vast surface that could take me miles and miles. The tobogganing track we work hard to build each winter and the snowmen and snowforts that are scattered on our back lawn. We caught a quick taste of spring last week, an unseasonable warm day with that distinctive spring smell bringing feelings of hope and renewed energy, motivating us to hang on for the last leg of winter.
In the past 8 months I have taken the extra time each day to really feel each moment. I watch my children discovering many of these beautiful moments as well and I ingrain in my memory the look on their faces, the pure joy of it all. This is how we should always live our life, like we will never walk by that beautiful maple tree again.

Opposites Attract

Although I've seen it many times, I was really intrigued today watching my two boys eat cupcakes. J, my 4 year old carefully licked off the icing savoring every taste and leaving an undressed cupcake sitting on his plate. H, my 2 year old casually swept the icing off with his finger smearing it onto the plate leaving him with a moist delicious cupcake which quickly turned into crumbs on his iced plate.
They fascinate me, these two boys who were created in the same way by the same parents. J's eyes are soft and hazel, H has the brightest blue eyes you've ever seen. J has olive skin, H is fair and light. From before they were born they were different, I sailed through J's pregnancy, a little nausea, a lot of energy, little discomfort and after a relatively slow and easy labour he popped out a week early weighing 6.8 lbs. H's pregnancy was the opposite, I was so sick that I lost 15lb in my first trimester, I had heartburn, varicose veins and he decided to stay in 7 days past his due date. When he was ready to come out he let me know with quick onset of extremely painful labour and a difficult delivery. He weighed in at a hearty 8lb 11oz. J was a great sleeper, sleeping through the night at 2 months old. H still wakes up throughout the night and in his first year of life I don't think I got to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. J kicks his covers off in the night, H likes to snuggle deep under his blankets. J is petite and tiny, the smallest in his class, H is a big boy, almost as tall as his brother and close to wearing the same size. J is rambunctious, energetic and very independent, H likes to sit back and watch, he's a big cuddler and an even bigger mamas boy. J loves to sing and dance and do puzzles, H likes to line up his cars and play trains. When not happy with how things are going with each other J will fight with words, H will hall out and belt him. J is stubborn, H is easily persuaded.
Each day I notice how very different these boys are and I wonder what their relationship will be in the future. Will they grow apart because of their differences or will their opposite nature attract.
When H was born a girlfriend posted a comment on my Facebook wall congratulating me on his birth and stated that he and his brother will one day stand as best men for each other on their wedding days and at that moment I realized that no matter what they do in life, nothing would make me prouder.

Zucchini In My Cake (recipe)

In my quest to completely eliminate wheat, dairy and eggs from my diet (see why HERE ) I have taken to flipping through my cherished 3 ringed binder full of family favourite recipes to see what I can re-invent.
One of my favourites is Chocolate Zucchini Cake, passed on to me from my Mom during the summer of 2005 when my eagerness to produce a lovely vegetable garden resulted in a Zucchini overgrow. After many deliveries of giant Zucchini's to my neighbours I was still left with a pile of my own to deal with. I made every Zucchini recipe I could find and was not at all surprised when my husband banned me from growing Zucchinis the following summer.

The fruits (veggies) of my labour

This weekend I decided to turn this yummy Chocolate Zucchini Cake recipe into one that I can eat, one my husband and kids would enjoy as well. So with a few tips from my Twitter friend Maggie, who has a very resourceful Gluten Free baking and living website, I was on my way.
 ( Maggie's great recipes & tips are at She Let Them Eat Cake  )


My biggest concern about re-inventing this recipe was that in knowing how delicious the original flavour of the cake was, my altered one would not compare. I was up for the challenge anyway. Yes it does taste a bit different, it is not as moist and a little less sweet but overall is still very similar and I'm loving it. The most important part is that it passed the husband and kid test with flying colours. They are begging for more.

So here you go:

Chocolate Zucchini Cake (my style)

They look and taste as good as brownies

You'll need:

1/2 cup canola oil

1 3/4 cup sucanat (un-refined)

(Maggie suggested I could also use Evapourated cane sugar - refined but not bleached)

1 cup unsweetened applesauce  

......

2 3/4 cup gluten free all purpose flour 

(I used a brand I got at No-Frills called Bobs Red Mill)

5 Tbsp cocoa powder

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp baking powder

....

1/2 cup almond milk

2 tsp vanilla extract

2 cups grated zucchini

(I don't peel mine because I like the look of the little green flecks in the cake, but unpeeled is a better way to conceal the fact that there are vegetables in the cake)

....

Handful of chocolate chips and chopped nuts (walnuts or pecans)

Pre-Heat oven to 350 º 

In large bowl add canola oil, sucanat, & applesauce, mix well.

In separate bowl mix, flour, cocoa, salt, baking soda & powder, stir together and add to the wet mixture.

Blend well.

Stir in almond milk, vanilla, and grated zucchini.

Pour into greased 9x13 or 10x10 pan

Sprinkle chocolate chips and nuts on top

Bake for 45 - 50 minutes. 

Let cool, cut into squares & serve. 

Enjoy :) 

Reaching Out

J went to a birthday party this past weekend, most of the kids from his JK class were there including their parents. I casually mingled with other mothers while J had a great time. There was one mother that I did not approach, and the regret that I didn't has been weighing on my shoulders more than I expected.

J had a great start to JK in September, he is a very sociable kid, he skipped on to that big yellow school bus without a look over his shoulder while I stood at the side of the road sobbing like a little girl.
 Within a couple weeks of starting school I noticed that he was speaking in another tone, he was mimicking the voice of another child, he also spoke highly of a new friend and I was encouraging of this relationship. Then J's behaviour got a bit more aggressive at home, he was talking back, shouting and being defiant, all in this new tone of voice. I attributed it to him picking up bad habits from other students at school. In October I began to volunteer in his classroom, my first experience in the class room was witnessing the very challenging behaviour of one student. He was being mouthy, disobedient, and rude, and to my surprise I realised that this was the friend that J had been raving about, and it was this boys voice I heard coming from J each night after school. It was in this first visit that the teacher took the opportunity to chat to me about her concerns that J was being easily influenced by this boys behavior and asked if I would like them to be separated from sharing the same table and kept in separate play groups when possible.
I immediately said yes and the plan was in place, within weeks J had settled down, stopped mimicking this boy and started raving about another young boy who was now his best friend. Mission accomplished!
Yet as I continued to volunteer in J's class room I saw so much more in the misbehaving boy, besides his loud distracting behaviour that often got him sent to the principals office, I caught moments of brilliance, and a child wise beyond his years. He was smart, really really smart, he could read, he used language that far surpassed the other 4 year olds. I wondered what his home life was like and how such a clever little boy could be exhibiting these very challenging behaviours. I was judgmental, I had heard that his mother was barely 20, with piercings in her face and and a new baby in her arms  I judged, I assumed that she didn't discipline him, that she was probably more concerned with her social life than raising her child.

So here I was this past weekend, casually chatting with the other mothers at the birthday party and from the corner of my eye I watched this young girl struggle with her son, he was being a bully, pushing and shoving, he was not listening and giving her a hard time. Yet she was trying really, really hard, she was trying to be calm with him, she was using tactical parenting skills that any of us would be in awe of, she was firm and followed through with her threats of a time out. I could tell that she was reaching the end of her rope yet I didn't talk to her, nobody talked to her, she was there alone, and not one other parent talked to her.
I am ashamed that I didn't reach out to her, even just a handshake and an introduction, it didn't matter what our children's relationship was, it mattered that she was a mother in need of a friend, and I didn't reach out.
For that I am ashamed.